On wisdom, love, and kindness

Recently, I was reading a tribute to Jim Gray. Jim was a brilliant computer scientist and amazing human being who, a bit over a year ago, took a day trip in his boat and never returned. No one knows what happened to Jim, as nothing was found (not his body, his boat, nothing). It remains a great mystery. Recently hundreds of people got together for a day to honor Jim. Speaker after speaker talked about what an amazing person he was, both professionally and personally. A number of speakers quoted Jimi Hendrix, who once said, “Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens,” to try to explain Jim's nature. One speaker also said that Dr. Gray taught us that while there is nothing you can do about improving your I.Q., it is possible to work at becoming a terrific human being.


This got me thinking, about knowledge, intelligence, wisdom, ego, and what being a "terrific human being" means. Weighty topics, yes. Here's my very brief (emphasis on brief) go at defining these terms -



Knowledge - When one has acquired information and education on a particular topic or in a particular domain. One does not need to be especially intelligent in order to have gained knowledge. In other words - someone might have quite a lot of knowledge and guidance to offer you, even if they aren't that brilliant.



Intelligence - The ability to take in data, analyze, and come up with one's own thoughts/conclusions based on said analysis. This can be applied to anything - science, history, human beings. One can be, for example "emotionally intelligent" meaning they have an ability to look at human beings and understand/analyze them on a deep level. One could be very intelligent in the area of engineering, but very unintelligent with respect to human beings and their spirits.



Ego (the toughest to define briefly) - The need for others to hear you, the need to be heard even when your thoughts aren't that important. The need for approval. We all have ego issues even if we aren't incredibly egotistical. Typically when people think of the word ego, they think of extremely egotistical people who think they are better than everyone else, need to be in the limelight all the time, etc. In fact, ego affects all of us even if we aren't pompous in such a way. For example - if you are in a yoga class, are feeling really depleted due to a recent illness, and push yourself harder than you should because you have some sort of concern that others will think you are lazy, that's ego. That's your ego causing you to do something that isn't nurturing to your current state simply because you are concerned about what others think. So ego affects all of us, even if we aren't pompous asses!



Wisdom - The ability to sense when one's knowledge and intelligence are irrelevant! The ability to let go of one's ego and listen. A wise person knows when to keep their mouth shut even at times when they are listening to someone saying incorrect or incomplete things. A wise person knows that sometimes correcting others doesn't actually result in a better conclusion, as sometimes people need to learn things for themselves, sometimes people need to make mistakes, sometimes the damage of criticism is worse than the damage of moving forward with slightly incorrect data. A wise person knows that no mater how intelligent they are, how much knowledge they have gained, they still have something to learn from everyone - even the garbage man. The wisest people I know haven't really spent a lot of time criticizing or correcting me, but rather have listened to me ramble at times and have taken choice moments here and there to say completely non critical and non judgemental things that made me think. The egotistical people in my life have tried to simply tell me how I have failed, how I'm not sufficiently evolved. I truly believe that those people are simply acting out a need to be validated, to be "right". It's sad. At this point I pretty much tune such people out and simply feel compassion for them. It's unfortunate, as some of these people are very intelligent and loving and dear to me, but their insecurities get in the way.



On being a terrific human being - In the end all of the above isn't actually that important. All that really matters is how kind and loving you are. Yes I know that this is a bold statement and that some of you might disagree! Growing up I had a huge focus on intelligence and education. This focus stemmed from many things - my nature, society, the various people around me in my community (a very rich and snobby town), etc. Whatever the reason, I've come to realize that by the time I graduated from college I was pretty darn elitist and judgemental. Over time, yoga helped me to feel more, see more, let go of some of my ego issues, and recognize how much people around me had to offer (regardless of their education or status). I came to realize how much I had to evolve, and in fact how inferior I was to people around me who were very giving and loving. This has been both a painful and joyous journey. I especially progressed on this path when I had an extremely traumatic birth experience back in late 2004. In the end certain people were very critical and judgemental, and certain people were unwavering sources of love. That's when it became crystal clear - all that really matters is love and kindness. If you don't have that, you have nothing. My friend Charles once told me "I’ve tried to live by the little baptism speech that Eliot Rosewater (a character in a Kurt Vonnegut novel) gives: “"Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies - God damn it, you've got to be kind.”"



And now, some words of gratitude for a few people in my life who are wise, loving, and terrific human beings overall (in no particular order) -

Charles Eliot - Charles knows so much, yet quietly watches the world go by without demanding that everyone know of his brilliance. Charles gives advice in kind and subtle ways that make you sit up and say "aha!" 3 days later, once the wisdom of his words have sunk in. Charles is never critical or judgemental, but still holds you accountable for your actions, perhaps with a brief frown or glance that says "You have disappointed me, but of course I still love you". In the end, because of the ever present love, you never harden to him, and it's easy to take in (and learn from) this kind criticism, so ultimately you grow as a result.


Aadil Palkhivala - My yoga (asana, lifestyle, nutrition) teacher. Aadil sees people not in terms of who they are right now, but who they could be. He nurtures the spark of love in his students - inspires them to grow, love more, and to let go of their past. Aadil has shown me that I need not be weighed down by my past, but instead can focus on further evolving into the beautiful and loving human being that is already inside me.


Mirra Palkhivala - My yoga (meditation) teacher. Mirra is the ultimate force of pure and unconditional love. When I meditate I can connect with her light. I can feel her sitting there, across the lake, sending me love and light to help me heal. This light is purer than anything I have ever experienced. No disappointment, no judgement, no criticism, just love. Pure, sweet, bright, love. This light transforms me, helps me to let go of my pain, helps me to realize that I too can send light to others, whether or not they know I am doing so.


Edward Gruhl - Ed is the father of my best friend of 15 years - Rob Gruhl. I call Ed my second dad and he calls me the daughter he never had. Ed teaches me that it's ok to be incredibly happy, and that sometimes people around me will have a hard time with that happiness. He is one of the more content and happy people I have met in my life, and says that many times he has found that people can't stop questioning his happiness, perhaps because if they were to accept his happiness then it would cause them to question why they themselves aren't more happy. Ed has always been supportive of my decisions in life. Frankly, I couldn't be happier with the path my life has taken, and it's strange to me how much others need to question it. When I decided to leave a prestigious software job to travel the world and eventually become a yoga teacher my father was very concerned about the bad decision I was making and my Grandmother called me "frivolous". When John and I decided to get married so quickly many friends and family members were concerned that I didn't really know what I was doing. When I decided to work part time teaching yoga while being a mom, my mom questioned how I could possibly be truly happy if I was so busy and tired. These people are all good and loving people who are honestly just trying to help. What sets Ed aside, though, is how he seems to know that I'm walking the path I need to walk, that I am reaching out for happiness in my own way, that I am feeling and growing every moment. He knows that I'm a smart person, that I think about things carefully, and that if I am indeed making a mistake then it must be a mistake that I absolutely have to make before I can learn what I need to learn in order to further evolve and thus find more happiness. I honestly couldn't be happier with the path my life has taken, the place my life is at right now, and the potential for all the goodness of the future. I feel so blessed and lucky in life. When I'm with Ed, I don't feel any need to qualify or explain this happiness - he just understands. Thanks, Ed.


David Vaskevitch - David is the most down to earth person I know. This is a virtue in of itself, but is especially impressive given that he is a fairly wealthy guy. David has never let his wealth get to his head. You could be flying on a private jet with him one day, and sitting in a meditation tent deep in the playa at Burningman all covered in dust and sweat the next day. David is extremely busy, travels a lot, but never forgets who his friends are. When you are with David time slows down and you know that in spite of how busy he is, he would drop everything for you if you really needed him. David has a deep sense of that he is just a human being, like everyone else. Like me he too seeks happiness, like me he too feels pain. David opens his heart and is not afraid to be vulnerable. David continues to invest in becoming a better human being, through yoga, meditation, books, and retreats and never rests on his laurels... never sits around thinking that he is done evolving. David believes in dreams. When you tell him of some idea you have for a job or venture in the future, he does not focus on why the idea might not work, but rather he gets excited and helps you think about how (of course) it can indeed happen. David shows me that I can do anything in life.

There are so many other people who have helped me grow in life, who have inspired me to further evolve. Thank you for your love, kindness, and wisdom.

In love and gratitude,
Holly