Sisterly love

Here are some more absolutely adorable photos of my little girls! The best thing about these pictures is that they are totally natural and aren't posed. Isabella loves to pick Melanie up. Fortunately, she now asks permission first (so that we can help her do it properly) instead of just picking her up wildly with her little head hanging back. This time she asked to pick Melanie up and wanted to bring her to the couch with my assistance. She climbed on the couch with Melanie and started saying "Awww... Melanie... cutie pie" and cuddled with her. So cute. I love my kids!!!!!

Note - if you see Isabella wearing the same dress in many of these photos, it's not because they were taken the same day, it's because it's her favorite dress. She picked it out herself at Value Village, which is her favorite place to shop. Must be my genes in her, making her so frugal!

A letter to Isabella

My dearest Isabella -

I know this is a confusing time for you. You have been so excited for months about the coming baby, asking me when it will come out, kissing my belly, telling the baby you love it (since until the birth we didn't know if it was a him or her). You showed me every day what a loving big sister you will be.

Then there was the day that you visited us in the hospital, right after Melanie's birth. You were so full of light as you walked in, looking at her with awe. You immediately wanted to hold and kiss her. You glowed with love. But then the confusion kicked in, as we told you that I had a very big owie on my belly and you had to be careful. You had missed me, wanted to cuddle with me, tried to climb in bed with me, only to find out that I couldn't really be touched yet. Then after a bit you had to leave with your Mammie and didn't understand why we weren't all going home right away, couldn't possibly comprehend the details of my healing to come. You were sad, and I was sad too. We tried to explain that it was only temporary, but 3yr olds don't really understand what that means.

Once we all got home, your dad began to take you on fun excursions every day while Melanie and I stayed home. You got a new bike, went to many parks, went to the aquarium, etc. I know this was fun for you, but I also know it made you sad that I stayed home all the time. I could see you wondering if life was changing permanently, if I was going to be with Melanie all the time while you went off and did other things. I so so badly wanted you to understand that I would heal, that I couldn't even go up a staircase or leave the house yet, but that these times would pass. Of course, all you could see was my arms around Melanie so much more than they were around you.

Then last night you started crying and told your dad that you were sad. So he asked if it was because I was with Melanie so much and you said yes. It was a sweet moment. We all sat down and talked about it, talked about how you would always be our special oldest child. We talked about how I would get better and that I would spend more time with you soon. You listened. We hugged. Then you told me you wanted to make cookies the next day. I smiled and said OK, because making cookies is indeed one thing I can do right now.

Isabella, I love you. Thank you for telling us you were sad. Thank you for being such a loving big sister even though you are indeed so sad. Every day you hug and kiss Melanie lots and don't take your sadness out on her. You are already showing me what a wonderful woman you will become. And thank you for the time we spent together today making cookies and cuddling. I am finally (just today) better enough that cuddling isn't scary (i.e. I'm not so scared that you will bump my big owie) and I have missed our special time so so much.

I love you so, so much Isabella. Please know that I feel the same pangs you do. I miss our special time too. I have to nurse Melanie a lot right now and have a lot of healing to do, but you aren't getting rid of me that easily... as time goes on we will get back to our excursions, our cuddling, our rough play where you climb all over me. I want that just as much as you do.

Thank you, Isabella, for your sweetness and all of your love. You, your sister, and your father mean everything to me.

Forever,
your mama

A letter to Melanie

My dearest Melanie -

Thank you for coming into my life, just 6 days ago. I never question for a moment that everything I went through to bring you into this world was worth it, a million times over. You, along with your sister and your father, are the light of my life.

Thank you for the way you snuggle up to me, the way you show me that you feel safe with me. I love the way you bury yourself in my breast to nurse and the way you finish off - milk dribbling down your chin, half asleep, drunk with the sweet nectar of life that I provide.

I love your eyes, your nose, your tiny little hands, and your head that has that amazing newborn smell -that smell I drink in as we cuddle with your head on my shoulder. I love your teeny tiny little feet that I can hold in my hand, those feet that wear the little green booties that your Mammie so lovingly knitted for you.

I love the little sounds you make - the grunts you make when you are squirming to get your arms out of your swaddle blanket, the random squeaks you make when you suddenly snap to attention, the full on newborn cries you make when you cannot go another moment without the security and nourishment of my breast.

I love that you are ours, now and forever, the product of your father and my love.

Melanie, I will always love you.

forever,
your mama

Welcome Melanie

Our darling Melanie Rose Mullally entered this world on July 22, 2008 at 12:46pm weighing 7lbs 12oz and measuring 20" long.




Many many thanks to -

• Nika for being our faithful birth assistant, understanding when we needed her there, understanding when we needed our space.


• Mary for lovingly taking care of Isabella while we were in the hospital


• Jeff for taking care of our crazy and adorable doggie Ellie


• Rob and Steph for organizing food delivery from our friends over the coming month (we will REALLY need the help!!!)


• All of our many friends and family who honored my requests for a cocoon of quiet, peace, and privacy before the birth, but who were still praying for our good health silently in the background.
• Last but not least, my completely amazing husband John, who was there rocking and swaying with me through every single contraction. John, you were everything I needed you to be.

Labor didn't go as well as we hoped. We worked hard through 30 hrs of contractions, rocking and swaying together, and ultimately had no choice but to undergo another C-section. Perhaps I will detail the story here in my blog at some point, perhaps not. For now, we are looking forward to the future and focusing on the goodness that came out of it all, which is our darling Melanie, who was of course worth it all. We appreciate everyone's respect for our privacy and our desire to focus on our blessings in life (which are so, so many).

A very quiet month

As of today, It has been almost 5 weeks since I stopped teaching yoga in preparation for our coming child. I'm lucky enough to run my own business, which means that I make my own rules and can set whatever schedule I want. When I was pregnant with Isabella, I took a few weeks off before her due date, and I remembered clearly how appropriate that seemed at the time, how hard it was to haul myself around the studio demonstrating poses near the end. The time off seemed especially necessary this time, as I have even less time to rest these days (due to chasing Isabella around much of the time).



Accordingly, I stopped working over a month ago. Since then I have embraced a number of joyous and peaceful activities -

• Sleeping - 8 yrs every night, 1-2 hr nap every day




• Cooking, eating, and entertaining - I have been cooking up a storm, embracing these last few weeks when I can spend 3 hrs a night cooking gourmet (instead of later when I will be trying to shove a casserole in the oven with one hand while holding a nursing infant with the other arm). We recently held 6 dinner parties in 8 days (a record for us!). I've also made eclairs, cookies, banana bread, and several batches of homemade ice cream! It's been fun and delicious.




• Yoga and meditation - I've had extra time to sit in my open and sunny studio, gazing out the windows onto the distant Cascade mountains, meditating on how incredibly lucky I am in life.




• Long walks - to relax, get gentle exercise, and increase the downward flow (to encourage baby to move down)




• Acupuncture - 5 sessions in the last 3 weeks. Sessions were designed to increase downward flow, ripen the cervix, relieve pregnancy fatigue, and in general put me in a very Yin state. I have to say that I have felt absolutely fantastic after these sessions. Who wants to give me $3500 a year to get acupuncture every week on an on-going basis? :)




• Continued Isabella joy - Nothing new here, just the usual wonderful mommie-daughter sweetness. This has included our usual zoo trips, bus rides to Pike Place, long playful baths, excursions to various parks, adventures in cooking together, and shopping at her favorite store (Value Village). I've been soaking up every sweet moment I can, as pretty soon it won't be just she and I.




• Time with my beloved John - John and I have had lots of date nights (thanks, Mary!), and extra time to sit around and leisurely chat in the evenings after Isabella goes to bed. I have been reminded over and over again how much I love spending time with my husband and how much I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

So in summary, it has been a very peaceful and indulgent month. At the same time, I have begun to remember why life isn't like this all the time. Surprise, surprise - I miss working. I didn't miss it right away, of course. The first few weeks were such a breath of fresh air - the extra sleep, the time to prepare for the coming baby, the additional frolicking in the sunshine. I even had brief moments of wondering - should I even go back to work after this baby is born? Rest assured, these crazy thoughts went away by week 4. I began to get a little restless and began to feel the need to bite into some sort of project. I found myself browsing MIT's Open Courseware site and downloaded the program for an Economics course. I found myself spending even more time than usual pondering career ideas for the future (I'll always teach yoga, but once the kids are in school I want a 2nd part time job to use different parts of my brain). I spent even more time than usual discussing lesson plans with the teachers that teach in my studio. I even caught up on a million house projects - cleaned out closets, filed a years worth of random bills and papers, reorganized the kitchen, etc. In short - I realized that I like having a lot to do!

By week 4, I said to John "Um, I'm kinda bored. I don't think I was meant to be a full time mom and housewife." He laughed for a LONG time and said "I was wondering how many weeks it would take before you said that!" I have to say, it's nice to be married to someone who really knows me and accepts me the way I am.

Around the same time, I was chatting online with someone who asked me if life was slowing down yet, to which I said something like "Well, I'm not working now so my yoga schedule has slowed down, but I've been throwing a million dinner parties and embracing some house projects, so things aren't slowing down overall. I'm not sure I know how to not be busy!" To which this person said that was where my yoga had something to teach me, that "To experience joy without being busy is a real gift. That is when the joy comes from within."

Wow, so besides the, um, awkwardness of someone who doesn't do yoga telling me what my yoga can teach me (after 10 years of intense practice and many huge changes), this comment inspired me to post about something I think about all the time - joy. Of course, the pursuit of joy and happiness is a topic that one could write volumes on. For now I will just write a few words.

It used to be that I truly didn't know how to not be busy. Not in the way I mention above, but in an anxious and unhealthy way. When I was at MIT and Microsoft I worked ALL the time. If I wasn't working, I was partying hard - drinking and dancing all night. I simply didn't know how to do anything that wasn't intense, had zero ability to smell the roses in life. I remember taking vacations at times and getting very anxious after a few days, as I couldn't handle the time off, as I truly didn't know how to relax. This lifestyle led to many health issues and eventually led me to chuck it all and take a year off to travel around the world by myself. The decision to walk away from all the success, money, praise, and glory was the best decision I ever made, and was the beginning of huge and wonderful changes in my life.

The first place I began to truly relax was Thailand. I spent 6 weeks there, the first 2 of which were on a quiet beach on the island of Kho Pha Ngan. I would wake up in my bamboo hut, have some breakfast, do yoga on the beach, lay in the sun under palm fronds, swing in the hammock on the porch of my hut, swim, and drink fresh pineapple smoothies at a bamboo hut called the Chai Bar. In short, I had found peace. I remember feeling that time had turned from discrete chunks into one continuous thread. On that island I watched, listened, felt, and simply was.

My travels continued on to include time in Northern Thailand taking a 1wk massage course, time in India doing a 1 month yoga course, time in Spain to take some intensive Spanish classes, and many other places in between. Mostly, though, I walked around the world, watched the people, sat in parks, thought a lot of deep thoughts, and learned to smell the roses.

Eventually, I decided I wanted to be grounded in a home again. So I returned to Seattle and bought a small 860 sq foot house in which I lived alone. I then spent a few months just enjoying this rootedness. I spent time with friends, spent hours upon hours learning to cook fabulous Indian and Thai food, spent 2 intense weeks sewing my own light up Halloween costume, did a ton of yoga, and in general just enjoyed doing as I pleased.

After over a year off work, I began to feel a desire to do more, to find more structure in life. I had experienced 2 extremes - working all the time for many years, and then a year of complete leisure. At the end of the day, my system craved some sort of balance. I felt a strong pull to contribute more to society, to interact more with my community, to (gasp!) find a job! For better or worse, some people at Microsoft caught wind of the fact that I was looking and offered me some jobs that were too hard to turn down. So I went back to Microsoft, and then after a few months found that I was laughing at myself for being so foolish. Don't get me wrong, Microsoft is a wonderful place and I couldn't be more grateful for the opportunities I was given there. I realized, however, that Microsoft could only help me to grow in ways that I was already fairly strong, and that I couldn't be at Microsoft if I was to evolve in the ways I truly needed to evolve as a human being. It was like a light bulb going on - a clear message that I needed to continue to focus on becoming more loving, more compassionate, listening better, and in short - becoming more human.

So I decided to become a yoga teacher. I started my own business and enrolled in a bunch of incredible trainings. I was able to support myself modestly fairly quickly and found a sweet balance of working some, practicing some, relaxing a lot. I still had time to go for long walks, meditate, cook, see friends, sleep, and advance my asana practice. I continued this lifestyle through meeting my wonderful husband, John. We eventually married, got pregnant, built a new yoga studio, and had a child, during which time I continued to teach yoga part time. John and I decided that we didn't want to use child care, so I adjusted my business so that I was only working when he wasn't working (so that once of us could always be with Isabella). This meant that I taught on weekends, in the evenings, and the early mornings before he went to work. It was, and is, busy, often leaving me tired, but always happy.

So this brings some questions - If one is busy and sometimes tired, can one truly have a joyous life? What does it mean to enjoy fullness in life? Can one enjoy a full and busy life but still know how to stop and smell the roses?

In short, I believe that there is nothing wrong with craving fullness in life, with having a strong drive to contribute to society, with loving complex projects, with being busy. The catch, however, is that one needs to maintain the ability to pause, to look, to listen, and to feel. I used to completely lack this ability. These days although I am very busy, I still enjoy very very sweet chunks of time meditating in my yoga studio, watching my daughter play in the sunshine, and sitting in the woods all alone. I have especially enjoyed getting into camping and hiking over the last few years. My favorite part of nature is when I go off by myself, sit cross legged between some trees, and listen to the birds for an hour or so. One time I found myself meditating against a very old tree, feeling it's energy and wisdom, communicating with it in a way I cannot explain.

When I emerge from my yoga studio, or the woods, or the backyard and enter the real world again, life is indeed busy and full. I don't always sleep a lot, but damn I'm happy. I have come to accept that part of being Holly is expressing my passion for life, engaging with the community around me, organizing interesting projects, and throwing fabulous dinner parties. Of course, part of being me is also knowing that I absolutely must find quiet time to balance out the business.

So can one be very busy, often tired, and still joyous? I think so. Of course, I still have much evolution to do in life, so who knows, I may change my mind later. But for now, I'm enjoying the journey.

Too much time, too much chocolate

I'm sure it is obvious that I have too much time on my hands these days. Last night I used some of this time to make yet another batch of home made ice cream. I had been working on a white chocolate recipe but decided to move to a dark chocolate version as I had recently depleted my 5lb back of fine Callebaut white chocolate goodness. Accordingly, I decided to do a quick inventory of our fine truffle chocolate that was leftover from making about 500 truffles this past Christmas. I discovered that we still have about 20 lbs of fine Swiss and Belgian chocolate in stock, including another 5lb bag of white chocolate that I didn't even know about. This wasn't really too shocking, since before Christmas we had about 50lbs on hand. But still, I began to realize that I have the horrible and weighty burden of continuing to work through this ridiculous chocolate supply. Poor me. I proceeded to make the creamiest, chocolatiest ice cream I have ever consumed. Why can't I buy ice cream that good at the store? Hmm... probably because a pint of ice cream had $3 worth of chocolate in it (not to mention the $3 cost of the organic cream, eggs, sugar, and milk)... probably not realistic to sell $6+ pints of ice cream in the store. No worries, I can make my own! Below is a pic of John munching on our chocolate stash.

The next morning (this morning), I woke up to the usual sweetness -

And then after breakfast we went to Madison Park, where there was both a beach and a playground. We played and frolicked for a few hours there, at which point we went home to frolick more in the backyard while John slow cooked a roast on the grill all afternoon.

Life continues to be sweet and peaceful.

Yet another fabulous day...

Yesterday, Friday, was John's first day off work. We haven't had the baby yet, but we decided a while ago that if I went a bit overdue then he would start his paternity leave early. That way we would have extra time to be together and relax in preparation for the coming craziness. So John is now off work for 2 months! Yay!!!

The day began in the usual way - Isabella padded into our bedroom to wake us up around 8am. She got into bed with us and we proceeded to all cuddle for 30min or so. Let me tell you, lazing around and cuddling with your husband, child, and dog in the morning NEVER gets old!!! After a shower and breakfast, I left John and Isabella so that I could go for a long 2 mile walk (down a hill) to continue to increase the downward energy for the baby. Frankly, I'm really enjoying the fact that I still have so much energy. I think I get around remarkably well for a 9.25mo pregnant woman! After the long walk I had some lunch and then went to an acupuncture appointment. My goodness... I acupuncture. This was my 5th session in 3 weeks and I always leave feeling very rejuvenated, relaxed, and peaceful. Who wants to fund weekly acupuncture for the rest of my life??

After my acupuncture, I came home to find Isabella and John cuddling on the couch, happy as clams. Apparently, they had spent 4 hrs tooting around on Isabella's tricycle. They rode (well she rode, John walked) over a mile to Cal Anderson park, played on the park equipment for a long time, then rode her bike to a pizza place for lunch (Isabella LOVES going out to restaurants), rode her bike to ANOTHER park, played for a while, and then rode home. Isabella's life is not so bad!

Once we were all home, John suggested taking Ellie to a dog park so that she could get some running in. Isabella loves dog parks (as then she gets to pet millions of doggies), so everyone was happy with this idea. Once we got to the park, we met a woman who was there with 10 (yes, 10) poodles. Big poodles, not the miniature toy ones. This was so over the top, we didn't know what to say. When she decided to leave, she said to herself "Lets see, I left 8 at home, that means I have 10 here." Then she started counting them to make sure that none of the 10 had run off. She proceeded to put all 10 in a normal sized car. That's right, not a wagon, not a van, not a hatchback, just a normal car. We were so speechless, we just sat there and watched as she stuffed them in. I wish I had taken a picture, but I didn't want to make her feel weird by making a spectacle out of her, so we just silently watched in awe. My goodness... we are still laughing about it a day later. Anyway, here are a few pics from the dog park -

From the dog park, we went directly to a VW meet up that John had heard about. John recently joined a list called the Wet Westies, which is basically a list of VW campervan enthusiasts in the NW region (Wet is for all the rain, and Westies is short for Westfalia, which is the company that used to convert plain VW vans into campers). He heard about this meetup on the list. It wasn't a full on vintage show, just a bunch of VW enthusiasts meeting up at a local Burger Master. My goodness... there were some really cool cars there. We were absolutely drooling. Here are some pics -

Next, we dropped Isabella off at her Grandma's place. Mary had offered to take her for the night so that we could have one last night to ourselves.... probably our last date night for many many months!!! So John and I went for a long walk out to dinner, then walked over to Jeff and Nika's house for a small get together. We were then able to sleep in, go for a long walk, enjoy the sunshine, and in general enjoy being together. Mary had planned to keep Isabella until 2 or 3pm today, so we had lots of time to relax.

Long walks in the sunshine, acupuncture, happy Ellie at dog park, time with husband, lots of sleep... I can't complain about how wonderful and sweet my life is. Thanks to all of you who are part of it.

Friday fun

This past Friday, I woke up after 8 hrs of sleep still very very tired. What can I say? No avoiding the reality that I'm super preggers. Fortunately, my morning was perked up by this cuteness -



I then asked Isabella what she wanted to do that day, as we had the whole day free. She said "Go to the kids museum and go out to lunch!" At which point I groaned a bit internally as I was just so so tired, and such a big excursion seemed overwhelming to this pregnant lady. But of course, I agreed, so we got dressed, got on the bus, and headed down to Seattle Center.

We played at the Childrens Museum for a couple of hours and I was rewarded with much Isabella cuteness and joy. There is nothing sweeter than watching your child frolick. We then went up to the Seattle Center food court for lunch, after which she said "Go back to the kids museum!" at which point I cried uncle, and we got on the bus to go back home :)

My incredibly difficult day

Today was an incredibly difficult day! It went something like this -

7:30-8:30am - woke up to Isabella walking into our room. Cuddled with her for 30min in bed. Made breakfast for both of us and then woke up John so that he could take her to pre-school

8:30-9:30am - Took a nice yoga practice, meditated, welcomed in the yin

9:30-10am - Enjoyed a nice brisk walk to the acupuncturists office

10-11am - Enjoyed a lovely acupuncture session which was designed to prep me for labor and soothe my nervous system in general. Left feeling very very relaxed.

11am-noon - Walked around the city, did a couple of errands on foot, amusedly watched people spot my huge belly and think to themselves "Whoa!"

12:30-2:30pm - Took a peaceful nap with Ellie curled up by my feet

3pm - picked Isabella up from pre-school (she's there until 3pm 2 days a week, 12:30 2 days a week, does not go on Fridays). When I picked her up she was happily playing in the sandbox and did not want to leave. I told her we had to go to the grocery and she said "Ok mommie, but first can I just play here for a couple more hours? Please?" I smiled, loving the fact that she is so stimulated and happy there.

3:30pm onwards - grocery shopped, hung out in the back yard while Isabella played with the hose and Ellie ran around, cooked, ate dinner with family, put Isabella to bed, chatted with wonderful husband about his day.

As I spend these days hanging out, not working, waiting for baby to come, I have to say, life is pretty fantastic! People keep asking me how I'm feeling, keep saying that I must be tired and achy and really ready to be done being pregnant. Of course I will be thrilled to meet the baby when he or she decides to come out, but I'm really not in a rush! I'm enjoying every moment, just as it is.

On the bus today

Today I picked Isabella up from pre-school and we proceeded to take the bus to Pike Place market. We were after fresh organic English peas as well as luscious fresh organic cherries and peaches. Yum! On the bus home, when it was time to get off, there was a man in my way (standing in the aisle). The conversation went like this -

Me - "Excuse me"
Him - moves a tiny bit to the side, seems to assume I will just turn sideways and slide through.
Me - "Dude, I'm 9 months pregnant. That's not going to cut it."
Him - looks at my belly, says "Whoa" and moves over quite a bit more.

The bus driver had to wait for a bit for me to navigate to the front, so I apologized. He smiled and said "No problem at all."

It's great being so huge. You get a lot of leeway :)

Yet another zoo trip

About every other week I take Isabella to the zoo. It's great taking her there so often, since 1. she loves it and 2. then we don't need to try to see every animal every single time. I find that every visit some of my favorite animals are out of view whereas others are especially playful, especially alert and active. Here are the highlights from this particular trip -

The Jaguar was especially active, pacing back and forth by the glass, climbing up on trees. You could tell he was prowling, looking at the children, thinking "I want to eat you". This was the most active I had seen him as he usually seems to be sleeping when I visit.

The river otters were swimming around, circling each other joyously. I LOVE otters. I will never forget when I saw the sea otters at the Vancouver aquarium around 13 yrs ago. I watched them swim playfully and lie on their backs, eating food off their bellies. I decided then that I believed in reincarnation and wanted to be a sea otter in my next life. I bought a toy stuffed sea otter that day which I still had until quite recently when my dog ate it. Anyway, here are the otters, being the joyous creatures they are.

Next we took a ride on the carousel, which we do every visit. Somehow I can never resist when Isabella says "Mommy I want to ride the horsies! I want to go up and down!". I hopped on my own steed next to her, and let me tell you, this 8.75mo pregnant lady got some funny looks when she hauled herself up on a horse's back.

Of course, every zoo trip ends with a good hour or so at the Zoomazium, which is Seattle zoo's indoor play area. It's amazing... all kinds of natural looking rockery for the kids to climb on, puzzles, fossils, slides, animal sculptures, puppet shows, and the occasional real animals (snakes, lizards, ferrets) that get brought out for the kids to learn about and pet. It's truly an amazing place.

Thanks, Isabella, for giving me reason to go to the zoo all the time, and thanks for helping me to remember that some things (like cute playful creatures of the earth) never get boring.