I know this is a confusing time for you. You have been so excited for months about the coming baby, asking me when it will come out, kissing my belly, telling the baby you love it (since until the birth we didn't know if it was a him or her). You showed me every day what a loving big sister you will be.
Then there was the day that you visited us in the hospital, right after Melanie's birth. You were so full of light as you walked in, looking at her with awe. You immediately wanted to hold and kiss her. You glowed with love. But then the confusion kicked in, as we told you that I had a very big owie on my belly and you had to be careful. You had missed me, wanted to cuddle with me, tried to climb in bed with me, only to find out that I couldn't really be touched yet. Then after a bit you had to leave with your Mammie and didn't understand why we weren't all going home right away, couldn't possibly comprehend the details of my healing to come. You were sad, and I was sad too. We tried to explain that it was only temporary, but 3yr olds don't really understand what that means.
Once we all got home, your dad began to take you on fun excursions every day while Melanie and I stayed home. You got a new bike, went to many parks, went to the aquarium, etc. I know this was fun for you, but I also know it made you sad that I stayed home all the time. I could see you wondering if life was changing permanently, if I was going to be with Melanie all the time while you went off and did other things. I so so badly wanted you to understand that I would heal, that I couldn't even go up a staircase or leave the house yet, but that these times would pass. Of course, all you could see was my arms around Melanie so much more than they were around you.
Then last night you started crying and told your dad that you were sad. So he asked if it was because I was with Melanie so much and you said yes. It was a sweet moment. We all sat down and talked about it, talked about how you would always be our special oldest child. We talked about how I would get better and that I would spend more time with you soon. You listened. We hugged. Then you told me you wanted to make cookies the next day. I smiled and said OK, because making cookies is indeed one thing I can do right now.
Isabella, I love you. Thank you for telling us you were sad. Thank you for being such a loving big sister even though you are indeed so sad. Every day you hug and kiss Melanie lots and don't take your sadness out on her. You are already showing me what a wonderful woman you will become. And thank you for the time we spent together today making cookies and cuddling. I am finally (just today) better enough that cuddling isn't scary (i.e. I'm not so scared that you will bump my big owie) and I have missed our special time so so much.
I love you so, so much Isabella. Please know that I feel the same pangs you do. I miss our special time too. I have to nurse Melanie a lot right now and have a lot of healing to do, but you aren't getting rid of me that easily... as time goes on we will get back to our excursions, our cuddling, our rough play where you climb all over me. I want that just as much as you do.
Thank you, Isabella, for your sweetness and all of your love. You, your sister, and your father mean everything to me.
Forever,
your mama
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